Is there something wrong with me? This was the constant question I would ask myself during the early days, months of my 3rd baby. I couldn't stand the thought of being intimate with my partner and certainly wasn't interested in snuggles, kisses or anything intimate for that matter. I was all touched out!
It didn't make sense to me at first as I had mixed feelings. I would be really looking forward to him coming home from work to get some adult conversation, to actually talk to someone other then baby goo ga, but at the same time I was craving silence or space for myself. I would crave the conversation, not wanting any cuddles or touch, just a conversation. When he would reach out to cuddle me I would feel myself recoiling, not wanting his affection. I would feel so bad that I felt that towards him. The man I loved so much, the man that has given me this beautiful child. I was worried I was falling out of love with him.
I felt confused, exhausted and stressed. I was caring for...
For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” #CynthiaOccelli
My husband says, ‘Tracy walking on the razors edge of Zen, is walking along the line between chaos and order, or known and unknown”. Wise words and very similar to accepting the muddy water to produce the lotus flower!
When one cracks open that seed there’s no stopping the karma of that seed. We have many seeds in our garden (mind) and for that seed to grow it must shed or die many times before it blooms into the expression of what life has planned for it: a sunflower or an apple
For me, throughout my lifetime I have watched and tortured myself as many seeds have cracked open, shed, grown and bloomed (resisting beyond measure, at times ) to only enjoy the blossoming phase and mostly having deep...
Our quiet moments tell us a lot about how we can be with ourselves and with the world. Do you have quiet moments?
Do you allow yourself to pause and be with all that is here with you right now? The sounds, the feelings, the pain, the thoughts, the smells, the tastes and the energy. Do you find it challenging to stay with yourself in quiet moments? Do you avoid them? Distract yourself so you don't have to feel the discomfort? Are you scared to to be in the quiet moments?
Quiet moments reveal our true selves and allow us the space to connect deeply with ourselves. Connection happens in these quiet moments. Acceptance of what I am feeling and who I am, comes from these quiet moments. Without quiet moments we can't find inner peace and we experience more and more unease.
It's normal to feel unease when we first come to be with ourselves. The quiet can bring boredom, discomfort, anger, sadness, fear and even panic to begin with. This happens because when we come into stillness and pause...
I've been observing these interesting movements of E-motion moving within me for many years now. I have found that they're either in flow and moving or they're stuck and causing havoc ( for me it gets stuck in the fear story. But for others it can be rage and depression). I have been watching them flow, seeing them get stuck and getting really curious about what stops the flow of this energy, annnnd can I be hindering the movement of the emotion or making it worse?
Yes. I was making it worse by investing in the stories!
In my observations I have found that emotions are simply "energy in motion" this energy is the "effect" of a previous "cause" and it is simple passing through. If we allow it.
Just like water moving down a stream, it flows until a rock or log blocks the flow in a stream. Just like the log can block the stream so can our lack of awareness/knowledge around knowing it's safe to let our emotions be here and flow.
Energy in its pure form is ok. It's our friend, not...
As the moon waxes, moving to her fullest, I too move with her, moving to my fullest, ripening the most nourished egg, ready to be fertilised, to grow life!
How incredible is that?...New Life!
This creative energy for me is no longer a new baby in the physical form of a child, but one of new energy in some other way.
My Journey with KC didn’t just start with her asking me to be her birth Doula. It started 3 and a half years ago when she came to me for support in a very challenging time in her life. Since then I have watched her grow from strength to strength. KC has this warrior energy; she doesn't leave any coin unturned (so to speak) and she faces everything head on. When fear rises, she meets it and uses it as a source of power, it becomes her strength.
Her journey through pregnancy and labour was no different.
KC researched and study as much as she could to learn about her new experience- pregnancy, labour, birth and postpartum. I also shared tools of support for labour and birth with her and Ryan (her partner) during their pregnancy. KC was so prepared, that Ryan could not have been any other way, even if he tried. He was on the KC train and more than happy to take the ride! I saw early on that these two were going to make a great team and Ryan's calm, stable and strong, yet flexible...
There is always opportunity to practice, especially when you have children! They are your greatest teachers, supporting you to wake up. By popping your illusion, time and time again!
When someone triggers pain within you from their choice of words or actions, it hurts. It takes LOVE within you to rise out of that hurt and respond from love. When we react from anything else other then love we experience more pain, more hurt and more non-virtuous karma keeps on rising.
Nothing good comes from throwing more of the same back at someone.
It takes wisdom, awareness and strength to respond from love in the midst of deep hurt. The biggest transformations happen within you when you hand it over to Love. A warmth and tenderness moves over you, as the awareness sees the bigger picture.
When love steps in, this is how love would respond
~ Love honours both my pain and the others pain. Love knows none of this is personal.
~ Love knows that this person is suffering, experiencing pain himself or herself to act towards you in this way.
~ Love knows that this person hasn’t got the awareness or wisdom yet to see their pain. So therefore it gets projected.
~ Love knows he or...
There is something very unique about supporting the birth of one of your family members. Your heart melts in so many ways that I find it hard to put into words. I have been sitting with the experience for a week, allowing the space to let the words come. I can’t quiet get it out of my heart and into words, or is it I really don’t want too?
There is a part of me that likes it that way. Before all the labels come and describe the indescribable. In reality I won’t be able to describe it. It will just be a group of words that will be pointing to the experience of Love in Action.
So here we go…
My Brother Scott
From the moment Scott and Nikki were pregnant a new level of love opened deep within in me, for them. Although my relationship with Scott has always been strong, and I have been through many experiences of highs and lows with him. This was different. He was now going to be a father. A dream that he has had as long as I can remember. A dream at...
I have been enjoying the holidays, the break in routine, and to live moment to moment, without a schedule. I have been fortunate to have spontaneous moments of being by myself, like today. I got to go to the beach for a walk, swim and float in the ocean.
As a mother of 3, I can’t tell you how incredible those moments of space are. These days I take them when I can. It’s rare that I get a few hours, let alone a whole day for myself, so when I am gifted with these moments throughout the day I am so grateful, followed closely by breathing life in deeply and completely!
On the Dharma path, practice happens in these precious moments of space, alone with all that is arising. It also happens during the chaos and busyness of life. However, if we have not taken the space to be alone with self to practice the dharma (during those times of chaos and craziness) we will only find confusion, fear and suffering.